May 22, 2025
The Mishnah in Pirkeh Avot (5:16) teaches: כל אהבה שהיא תלויה בדבר – בטל דבר, בטלה אהבה . ושאינה תלויה בדבר, אינה בטלה לעולם . Any love that is dependent on something – once that thing is gone, the love is gone; but [love] that is not dependent on anything will never be gone. As an example of אהבה התלויה בדבר – love that is dependent on something – the Mishnah points to the story of Amnon and Tamar, two children of David Ha'melech. They were half-brother and half-sister, and Amnon desired Tamar. After satisfying his lust, he then despised her. Amnon's love for Tamar did not last. As the paradigm of אהבה שאינו תלויה בדבר , the Mishnah mentions אהבת דוד ויהונתן – the special bond between David and Yehonatan – the son of Shaul, who was king before David. Their love endured forever. Let us examine these different kinds of love. Sometimes, a person loves somebody because of some feature, because of some quality, because of something that the other individual provides. For some, it is the person's good looks and physical attractiveness. For others, it might be the person's income, or his or her coming from a wealthy family. A person might love someone because that other person is intelligent or funny, or has some talent. The problem with these models of love is that the love is תלויה בדבר , it is dependent on a specific factor. Once the person's appearance changes, or when the wealth isn't there anymore, or the personality changes somewhat, or the skills and talents aren't quite wh